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  1. #1
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    Default For everyone who works on their car.

    Can't take credit for this, its been doing the rounds for years, but its still funny so worth sticking up on here.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at Austin Morris, and neatly rounds off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

    EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

    JESUS CLIP OR SPRING: Small clip or spring you are trying to install when it suddenly goes flying across your garage to be lost forever and you say "Jesus where did that thing go!" These parts are usually not sold separately so you will have to buy the complete assembly at 100 times the cost of the clip or spring itself. You console yourself by thinking now you have extra parts on hand. In reality you will never again use anything off this assembly. It will occupy a shelf in your garage until you die and someone cleaning out your garage throes it away asking "Why did he have this laying around?

    Steve
    1994 Alfa Romeo 155 Q4: Dozeing in the garage.
    2009 Audi A4 tdi: Everyday drive.
    1994 Alfa Romeo 155 , 1995cc Std Standard Black

  2. #2
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    Default

    Its all true!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

  3. #3
    wrinx Guest

    Default

    Anyone got the alternative Haynes manual, it'll go well with this

    wrinx

  4. #4
    markgq4 Guest

    Default


    not seen that one before ... top post Steve

  5. #5
    wrinx Guest

    Default

    More....

    The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions
    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

    Haynes: Should remove easily.
    Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

    Haynes: Ease ...
    Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
    Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

    Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
    Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
    Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
    Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

    Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
    Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
    Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

    Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
    Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

    Haynes: See illustration for details
    Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

  6. #6
    wrinx Guest

    Default

    This is funny too:

    http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html

    wrinx

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